Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

Fool me once shame on you

Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.

If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

[La Brea Tarpits]

ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times

SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor

Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*

Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”

[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.

Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?

Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.

Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.

Me: *death glare*

“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza

Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.

5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”

“It’s a moving truck.”

“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”

Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?

Me: what’s in these shots

Doctor: buddy I just work here

Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you

me: