Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

PlayStation: Install update?

Me: what update

PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?

getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”

BRAKING NEWS!!

Me: I have a lot of work to do.

Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait

Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.

When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

<in bed>

<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!

<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered

<dog barks at door>
STFU!

The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.

Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!

Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.

Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul