Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science

*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?

(Me tryna flirt)

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*

Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”

7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”

Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”

7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”

A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…my trench coat?

HR: Try again.

Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.

sneezy geese carry a honkerchief

tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.

ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description

Me: Why do you say that

The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.

You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?

Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.

Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.

me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.

doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.

me: when can i go again?

The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.