Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ain’t wearing no wire

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.

Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.

Twitter: Yes you can.

If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.

“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”

-the first hipster

me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

optimus prime: did she just wink at me?

me: i think she’s turning left

*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???

me: i’m over in the cereal.

wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.

me: *whispers* open the box.

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*

*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*

Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip

*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK

*later, flinging holy water*

ME: GET OUT GHOSTS

All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…

my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here

me: i hate camping too

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth: