Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense

Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.

Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.

If you need me, I’ll be in the closet

Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life

Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.

Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!

Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it

Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.

Big Sex has us all fooled

[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*

Her: this isn’t going to work out

Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?

COP: Quick, stun him!

ME: *performs perfect somersault*

Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.

My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives

Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.

Me: I like the funny horse cartoon

Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it

Me: haha the cops a cat

A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.