Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: *gives me a pen*

Me: *takes it*

8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms

This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.

People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!

“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever

I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.

Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here

[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]

Guy1: What should we call it?

Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?

Guy1: Nah..

Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?

Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!

Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief

Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.

Me: Sorry, I will be out of town

Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?

Me: I’m free June 10.

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

When you’re Kinky but poor

yes… yes…

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*