Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
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I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.