Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
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The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.