Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
You Might Also Like
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
he’s doing your taxes
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.