Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
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I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
PARKOUR
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.