Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
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Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday