Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at White Castle]

clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen

[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!

[Sherwood Forest]

LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me

ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…

LITTLE JOHN: Right

ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor

LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them

ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?

LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.

When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.

Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.

I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.

“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!

Someone call 911!

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!

I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

Spins a web.

Any size.

Catches thieves.

Just like flies.

He waits.

The thieves come.

The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.

He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.

Look out.

Here comes the Spider-Man.

Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf

If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.

We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends

Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!

900 of you don’t read my shit.