Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
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If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.