Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.

My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

God: take it

Satan: no you take it

God: no you take it

Satan: i dont want it

God: well its no good to me

Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name

You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy

I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said

God: you have eight legs.

Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?

God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.

Spider:

God:

Spider:

God: also you have eight eyes.

I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.

Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.

Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away

I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

Alcohol is photoshop for real life.

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?