Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
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Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
the three branches of government
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.