Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
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If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child