Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator

On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.

Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.

Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.

Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators

I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.

I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.

7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other

Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?

7: I need $20 and your car keys.

[first day being homeless]

What thread count are these newspapers?

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.

Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange

just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do