Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.

Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.

Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤

Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…

‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?

I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.

“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.

moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.

Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls

Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.

It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.

“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.

The sacred texts.

You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES

So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.

my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over