Pro tip: if you have a student鈥檚 mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 馃敟 with 馃敟
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i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 馃え
I鈥檝e joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It鈥檚 like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She鈥檚 even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.