Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

me: my back hurts

doctor: have you tried voting

Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.

Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!

Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.

Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*

M: …ignore that.

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.

Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?

Me: it’s my autobiography.

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you

The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.

*getting kidnapped

Me: Thank you.

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.

Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.

Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.

[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What’s your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup

“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”

– inventor of the sauna

“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”

The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space

He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?