Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
You Might Also Like
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
My wedding will be open casket.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
listen closely
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?