Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

Aw cool firepit!

Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰

*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.

Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift

Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.

Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.

Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.

Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…

Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

Van Gone

Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe

me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

Conversations get real after midnight.

11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”

12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”

Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!

I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.

Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.

by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood

Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?

Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”

I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles

Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery