Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
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My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
become ungovernable
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
All. The. Damn. Time.