Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
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Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out