Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
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Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
“thank you for choosing Amtrak” no problem there are no other trains
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Kids, do not try this at home!
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.