@RoobsC

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

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@Beatonm5

“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”

@iamspacegirl

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.

@Discourt

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

@knot_eye

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.

@F8NTY

babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your sonic limited edition curry

@haveigotnews

Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.

Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.

Jan 3rd: World War III announced.

@UncleDuke1969

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

@Mom_Overboard

[Texting]

Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?

Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing

Him: That’s hot

@Dawn_M_

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.