Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

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“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”


Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.


I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.


[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.


babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your sonic limited edition curry


Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.

Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.

Jan 3rd: World War III announced.


I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.



Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?

Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing

Him: That’s hot


Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.