Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
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Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.