“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
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Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your sonic limited edition curry
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.