You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
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My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis