Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.
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Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe