Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.
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If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
My joke about a partition wall really split the room
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”