Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.
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her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
incredible text to wake up to
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
#dnd #ttrpg
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”