Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
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“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores