Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
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told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
mood
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Just grow your own
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Me when I try to be useful
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Would make a brilliant taxi driver
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.