Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
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If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
What about second breakfast?
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”