Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
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subtitles are so good nowadays
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
