Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.

Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen

ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

[11am]

Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.

I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.

Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?

Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces

I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?

People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it

Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥

Me: this a rush song?

Bartender: yeah, you a fan?

Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*

Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope

Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.

Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame