Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin

The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

My dream car is a taco truck.

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

Start calling divorces “incidents”

Level up on that intrigue

I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.

the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.

[Starts jogging]
Body: No.

My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

Chewbacca before you swallowbacca

Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.

[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that

Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes

*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*

Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.