@chrisdowning

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

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@RobynVinter

Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!

@pharmasean

What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave

@rachelle_mandik

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”

@geekysteven

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo

@Swishergirl24

Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I’m just as confused as you are.

@TheMichaelRock

[guy inventing Captain Crunch]

Hear me out, they’re razor blades, but they’re delicious.

@NoTheOtherJohn

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

@junejuly12

Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

@bonehugsnirony

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try