Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
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(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
rise and shine we got egg
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
The news
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?