Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
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Yup.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
You can’t rush stupid.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is