Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
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I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.