Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
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Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.