Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
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Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I am also baked goods
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
step 6: release the wall snake
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.