Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
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Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
My dream car is a taco truck.
Help Wanted
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.