Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.

Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*

Hey baby, what’s your name?

“Robert”

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

Spoiler Alert: I was late

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol

Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.

Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

Bagged lunch circa 1984

-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands

houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

Me: I missed you

Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet

Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.

My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.

God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me

Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”

Miscakes