Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
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UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Does beer think about me too?
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah