Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
You Might Also Like
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
