Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
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You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.