Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
You Might Also Like
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
We avoided this particular disaster
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I put the I in Insufferable.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Time heals everything 🙂
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.