Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
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Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!