therapist: what do you see
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
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Lion King is my favourite movie about an innocent baby animal. Being framed for murder.
Are all NASCAR fans fat with goatee’s or is that just the women?
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
FRIEND: is that just a fountain pen?
ME: *ink all over my teeth* nope
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
every night before we put our dog in his kennel me and my girlfriend pretend we are sentencing him to prison for a different crime. she always jails him for crimes like being too cute or aggravated fluff while i sentence him for things like conspiracy to commit arson or fraud
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.