Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.

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therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book


Lion King is my favourite movie about an innocent baby animal. Being framed for murder.


5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?

Me: It does now.


ME: *vaping*

FRIEND: is that just a fountain pen?

ME: *ink all over my teeth* nope


Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive


every night before we put our dog in his kennel me and my girlfriend pretend we are sentencing him to prison for a different crime. she always jails him for crimes like being too cute or aggravated fluff while i sentence him for things like conspiracy to commit arson or fraud


Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.


I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.