@Pork_Chop_Hair

Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.

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@briangaar

you say “sitting in your parents’ basement wearing pajamas” like it’s a bad thing

@Pirate_nurse

In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour

@FranticFox

To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running

@ArfMeasures

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

@ShortSleeveSuit

[2045]

The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.

@ClaytonSykes

Revere rides a horse saying “The British are Coming”and it’s heroic but I hop a pogo stick naked screaming “look at me”and it’s probation?

@causticbob

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

@cali_cathy

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?