Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
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I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow