Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food

Me as a news anchor:

an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

Breakfast: Banana Bread

Lunch: Orange Creamsicle

Dinner: Carrot Cake

Vegetarianism is hard.

me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.

ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.

10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?

Me: Go to your room.

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

*posts Social Security number on social media*

*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*

You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.

I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.

Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘golfed’

“May I have it in a sentence please?”

Sure. He golfed with a tee.

“G-O-L-F-T”

“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”

– Guy about to get stabbed bad

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”

Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.

“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.