Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”

I’m sorry…

…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER

nobody: …

my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.

When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

HER: I love Deadpool

ME: I love Dead Pool

HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?

ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?

My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.

never compromise your values

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.

Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess

Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again