Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
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Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Seas the day!!!!
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”