Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
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Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.