Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade

I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

Mobster: we need to set up a shell company

Lobster: let me handle this, boss

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant

I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.

“Ok what do we got here?”

My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?

Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.

Kid: huh?

Me: I said, when we went to the park.

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.

“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.

Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:

10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP

If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.

My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!