Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

before ball parks were invented there was pretty much no way to give someone a rough estimate

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.

B2….

or not B2…

That might be the number.

–Shakespearean Bingo Caller

The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi

[Being chased by killer]

Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*

very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.

(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?

I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.

“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee