Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.

*peeing*

I should get outta bed now, I guess.

Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT

So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.

My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice

Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

There was romance over dinner last night.

Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.

Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?

Me: Yes, Your Majesty.

Judge: Your Honor.

Me: Oh, Thank you….

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK

HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK

HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK

HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK

HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES

HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING

OHHHHHHHH

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

[me as a knight]

Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?

Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm

Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time

Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.

Woman: I’m a penguin.

Therapist: No, I meant lie down.

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.

*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.

humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.