Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
You Might Also Like
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
✨☝️✨
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Be the reason someone burns sage.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?