Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
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If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.