Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

I need a headline like this

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.

I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?

me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets

girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda

I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.

Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

*gets off on a technicality

Technicality: Perv.

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”

DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

Watermelon Boss!