PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
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[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube