PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
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Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
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My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb