Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
You Might Also Like
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**