Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
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The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Its true…
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
spirit airlines customer service rep just said “Q as in cute”
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*