Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
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Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.