Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”

My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?

When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.

[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀

[7:00:01am] wait no

[7:00:02am] hold o—

[7:00:03am] stop

Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye

7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health

Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.

I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.

more water

me adding lol on a serious message

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.

my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him

It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.