Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
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My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.