@TheBoydP

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

- @TheBoydP

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@jasonmustian

Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.

@craigdtull

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

@_Tempo11

“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.

@ArfMeasures

ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do

@JessG828

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!

@MizzusT

Yeah, but can your 25 year old girlfriend do this? *falls asleep standing up*

@NYC_Blonde

I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.

@Smooheed

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

@ch000ch

ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do

@rowdyforsheriff

If my dog has taught me anything it’s if you’re tired just lie down anywhere