Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

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HIM: it’s not necessary to say “testing 1-2-3” into the microphone every time. do you understand?

ME: check-check. yes, your honor.


Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?


Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”


*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets

*tweets embarrassing sober ones


That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.


The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.


“Do you have any children?”

Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”


Time 4 the 3rd debate, the political eqivalent of driving past a street corner several times to make sure u choose the least skanky ho! ;^)


Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.