@TheBoydP

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

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@EyeSeeYou619

HIM: it’s not necessary to say “testing 1-2-3” into the microphone every time. do you understand?

ME: check-check. yes, your honor.

@Book_Krazy

Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?

@Michael1979

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”

@mattZillaaaa

*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets

*tweets embarrassing sober ones

@nettie0918

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

@RubenWriter

The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.

@UncleDuke1969

“Do you have any children?”

Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”

@JimCarrey

Time 4 the 3rd debate, the political eqivalent of driving past a street corner several times to make sure u choose the least skanky ho! ;^)

@TheTweetOfGod

Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.