Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
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For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Somewhere in an alternate universe
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.