@TheBoydP

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

- @TheBoydP

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@AmishPornStar1

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

@warmyellowlight

some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]

@matt_simpson84

That scene from Jurassic Park where the T-Rex is breathing heavily up against the jeep glass, except its me at the hotdog display in 7/11

@SaltyCorpse

16: Our teachers won’t let us charge our phones. Even if we’re on 1%. It’s not safe.

Me: Nobody even put me in a car seat.

@alfageeek

Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.

@better_off_dad2

Me: ‘This may be the beer talking, but that is a VERY sharp outfit you have on.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

@NickBossRoss

When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?

@MarfSalvador

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private