@TheBoydP: Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it's the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
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@Reverend_Scott: Wife: I don't think those fireworks look safe to use- Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I'm gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
@Barknado69: [Sex Shop] Worker: can I help you? Me: Yes can I get um.. *fumbles with piece of paper* one sex please
@Home_Halfway: Dad: Tall latte Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name? Dad: What your parents didn't give you one? *all the other dad's give him high fives*
@MunkMania: You know shit's getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.