Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
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[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month