Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
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Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden