Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“shake what ya momma gave ya!”

*starts shaking low self-esteem*

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that

It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????

Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.

This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.

Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread

when someone rings the doorbell

*takes off Scooby-Doo head*

Rivorce?!

“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.

“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead

Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.

My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

($800 for an iphone)

oh no problem here you go

(99 cents for an app)

HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.