Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
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Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
it’s either covid or clever vampires
